i saw this on ah rine blog. its damn true and funny can (:
haha.
today is the 4th years since i last get out the suffering.
but, now the fear since to be back to me again.
with different people doing the thing, and doing it in a different position.
you are just like him, really made me scared, and wanted so much to cry.
the fear when you text me. being paranoid. afraid you will see me, cos i lied.
i don't usually lie. i am not a good liar. and i never want to or like to lie. unless i was forced to, by people like you. the fear u gave me , is lesser than the "previous guy" but the fear still consumed me. when i forget to reply your message , and after hours of studying i notice it, i was so afraid to reply, i was worried, knowing all i will get is scolding and scolding. eventhough you are just a friend to me. from a best friend to a friend now. you really make me want to distance you so much, and i will never want to be close to you again ever again.
we always have the navie thinking that once something happened, it will be back to normal like before when someone apologised or willing to give in, but the fact is , the situation will become better or worsen , but never like before again.
seriously, i don't know who to face you now, cause you really scares me. eventhough i don't wish to loss a friend like you, but what you did really driving me away and away.
sometimes, sorry can't make up for everything.
eventhough no doubt i will forgive and forget.
but you know. i need time, to overcome the fear you bought me now.
i don't know when are you going to explore again and start scolding me and blaming me.
i have gone through this type of days once, and i never want anything like this to happen again , never in my life again. can?
you said we have distanced, i already tried all i can to be close with you, eventhough i feel so akward and uncomfortable.
you asumme that we are msging each other everytime, but we are not, so i have to text you everyday.):
when i never text you, i will get scolded again.
have you ever think why must i do all this? cause i really treat you as my good friend ah, i don't want to loss a friend like you. but all you know is putting your thoughts on me making decision that is only good for you and i'll be hurt.
but you all don't care. i don't really mind too. but don't repeating doing the same thing. hurting me once is more than enough, as its takes months/years to heal. losing a friend is a painful thing to me, as i treasured my friends.
i don't know lah, but maybe im wrong, cause maybe to me you are being selfish, as you don't mind to hurt me to just protect yourself. but maybe to you, i'm selfish too , cos i don't want to loss a friend ? and you have to suffer? is it? i not sure too.

sometimes it not that i want to reply and , don't want listen to suggestions or help, its just that, by not replying to his message. i will be scolded and i'm really afraid of that. maybe you all will think what so scary about being scolded ? maybe the fear of the past is still in me? maybe i have not really overcome the damages bought by the "previous person"?

i know i'm not a good girl, but can i don't get any of this mental abuse anymore?
its too scary and i can't accept any of these. you'll never know how scary its was to be mentally abused by someone till you experience it.



fear.